I realize that somewhere, probably multiple somewheres, there is a blog post, or webzine article with this same title, which espouses the opposite opinions from mine. The great thing about a free society is that being wrong is not illegal. Actually, being wrong is seldom illegal, not nearly illegal as often as being correct, but let’s let that dog lie.

I am compelled to rant about the things that bother me about web sites, and although some are perfectly understandable, they are still disagreeable. So here is my list of things that I hate, when arriving at your web site. Please correct them.

1) Your mobile version sucks. I came to your site to interact with the functionality I interacted with yesterday from my office. I don’t want your astonishingly-bad sub-subset of things that you think mobile users (clue: mobile users are the same people as desktop/laptop users) “want”. Your surveys are badly designed, your focus groups are helpless morons, who didn’t have an opinion until you asked them, and then only invented one out of the vain hope that their “voice” would be “heard”, and your mobile site is a worthless piece of crap. Get rid of it, and build a main page that works well in all the browsers you can find. I have a dual core smartphone with pinch zoom and I can use your “main” site just fine, unless you put some Flashy/Ajaxy/JScripty nonsense in there that don’t play on a touch interface.

2) I don’t want to install your app. I have an app to view your website, and it’s called “browser”. On my dual core smart phone, I have limited space, and I can’t remember what all the apps I already installed do anyways, I’ll be visiting your site with “browser”. Get over it. Stop pushing your app up my nose every time I visit your site.

3) I don’t care to read your rules for posting and the fact that I would have to sign up to post, or view anything beyond text, in the landing view. This is because I, like 99.999999% of your visitors, came to your site through a Google/Bing/DuckDuck search, to read this specific article, and if I don’t see it in about a screen-full of of scrolling, I’m gone. Swish. Outta there. I won’t remember your ugly little site, and I will be careful to avoid accidentally clicking on, or even reading your ads.

4) Don’t prevent resizing in your “mobile” view, it’s annoying. In fact, see #1.

5) Don’t offer me an opportunity to serve you by presenting an opportunity to let you serve me better by filling out a short survey. Your survey is un-answerable, full of leading questions to make me mis-represent opinions on things I don’t have opinions about. Your survey provider is raping you and stealing your money. Get rid of them, they have turned business into a bunch of self-obsessed teenagerish anti-personalities, and I decline to participate. Please don’t pretend that your survey is to “serve me better”. You can shove your survey.

5) If you run a chain of brick-and-mortar stores, offer a brick-and-mortar focus on your web site. Make it possible for me to find out what’s in the store, without having to pick through your on-line specials and — God forbid — your “marketplace” client-vendors who aren’t even related to your company. I would like to visit your store and spend money there, but I’m not even going to get to your store if your competitor shows me what I want first. I hope this happens, and teaches you a lesson.

6) Don’t pop up a “would you like to chat with a help person?” box in front of what I was reading. I was poking at your site, getting to know it. I don’t want to “chat” put that opportunity in a nav panel somewhere where I can ignore it (forever).

7) In fact, don’t put anything up, suddenly, in front of what I’m reading. I will do my best to avoid seeing what’s in the pop-up anyway, since I don’t reward bad behavior.

8) DO NOT EVER auto-play, especially with sound, your video content on your landing page. It compels me to frantically find the tab with your web page in it and close it immediately, and never visit your site again.

All that said, if you present a pleasant experience, I will totally click on your ads. It’s a good feeling to see something in an ad banner that interests me, and then give my click to a good web site. But if you annoy me, I’ll tab out and Google the advertiser.